I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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