Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
