dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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