Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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