You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
