he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
