and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
