You just made me feel so damn special
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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