I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
