Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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