is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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