dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize