Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
