omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I cut my penus on the lid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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