she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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