I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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