I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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