He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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