Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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