Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
