You just made me feel so damn special
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
