Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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