Plan B is the new Plan A
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
