Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
