My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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