my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
