I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
