I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!