i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.