omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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