I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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