the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
