I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The air was thick with penises
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
