we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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