I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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