My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
