Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
