I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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