You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
