Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
