Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
