I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
