we have officially lost it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
