He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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