Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
