I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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