I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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