nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Panties = found
Randomize
