Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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