Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
