ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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