They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
