His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
