none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
