this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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