there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
