here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
try to milk me bitch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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