Will you blow on my dice?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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